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Scott McGlothlen lives in Denver. “Well, then you just contracted HIV,” I climbed on my high horse.
“Umm, yeah,” he said contrary to what I expected. To them, it was win/win.
The term seems to have first appeared in a 2003 Rolling Stone magazine article: “Bug Chasers: The Men Who Long to be HIV+”, but it would be naive to think bug chasing wasn’t happening before this time.
Motivations behind bug chasing can be complicated, but reasons and thinking include
- an ultimate taboo (one of the most extreme sex acts left)
- the excitement in pursuing a dangerous activity
- intimacy and eroticism (sexually stimulating)
- a fetish
- a sexual fantasy
- validation and acceptance
- a shared identity (sense of belonging) within the HIV-positive community
- to rebel or transgress against accepted social norms/ behaviours
- HIV fatigue (easier to have HIV than prevent getting it)
- low self-esteem or worthlessness
- trauma
There is likely a tension between the fantasy and actual behaviour and, for many, bug chasing is just a sexual fantasy not acted upon.
He lived a couple hours away, far enough to be a buffer for realism.
“When can we meet to actually do this?” he asked. I loved making conversations in cyberspace, a guilt-free place where my emotions wouldn’t win a game of tug-a-war with my arousal.
“So if we met in person, you would let me fuck you bareback?” I asked him.
THE GIFT
Twenty years after the initial panic, there is a dangerous new complacency fueled by the mistaken belief that AIDS is now a manageable disease.
As many men in the community become condom weary, and some even consciously desire HIV infection, disturbing new trends of risky behavior have pushed the rate of new infections back into a rapid rise, all to the mantra of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
Using Internet sites for promotion and connection, a community of barebackers (those who have sex without a condom) is flourishing.
But these reasons weren’t good enough – it wasn’t fair they saw HIV as an opportunity while it was ruining my own life. I didn’t want to ruin his fantasy by telling him about my own reality, so I played along as he begged me to fuck him. “Good thing I know my status otherwise I would have totally given it to you.” Surely my powerful statement would remind him about the risks of barebacking and jump start his engine on the road to safer sex.
“This way I get to at least know who, how and when I get HIV. And you are a really nice guy. I switched the conversation and asked him what this was all about.
For this bug chaser, HIV was inevitable and he might as well have some choice in the matter. So many poz people hated the fact that they didn’t know when or with who they were infected.
Now with no sex drive, I wondered if I could at least turn this into a valuable lesson for the young man. He writes about his journey as an HIV-positive man.
Bug chasing
Bug chasing is the practice of intentionally seeking HIV infection through sexual activity.
He confirmed. How could anyone want to get a disease, especially one so serious?
I closed the chat window to cut him off. When Doug became infected with the virus, he felt a sense of belonging to a community. He didn’t apologize, and reignited the pressure to have sex.